Fuckin' Gluttony, NY

Ate myself into a stupor Monday night, such that I woke up at 5:30 in the a.m., whimpering and listening to my friend hacking her lungs out upstairs. And it wasn't even the shits or the vomits, it was just this terrible sense that I'd gone too far and that maybe my stomach would never be the same.

I rubbed my belly clock-wise like my yogis have taught me. (Sort of like they taught me how to be moderate and mindful in all things. Such as eating.) It made me feel a little better.

Spent Tuesday out and about and was only able to eat a fraction of what I can typically put down because 1) my stomach wanted to vomit itself out of my body and crawl away (as stomachs are wont), shaking a fist and cursing me and 2) my kidneys were melting.

It's Wednesday afternoon, and I'm still feelin' skeeved about food, so I'll leave you with Monday's Exhibit B:


Bullshit bullshit bullshit bullshit bullshit bullshit, at Ray's, 3rd and St. Mark's.

Why did I eat this?

Because I'm a fucking asshole. A Jesus killer. A motherfucker. A son of a donkey-raping dog.

It was the single biggest mistake of my life.

I'll never forgive myself. Never.

Zenkichi, Williamsburg, Brooklyn, NY = Waste of Stomach Space

This is one of those times where you don't (or do) listen to the Yelp. Basically, 4 stars from the great, unwashed hoi polloi or a few lone Cassandras speaking truth to power: "Zenkichi is border line garbage food served in baby bowls."

I know. Them's some mixed metaphors and etc.

Laura made 'vations for Saturday, despite my reservations, because she had a $50 gift certificate to the place (expiration: 12/24).

So it is, and so it shall be, world without end: money over bitches.

The place feels appropriately Japanese-y--or what someone who has never been to Japan (comme moi) thinks of as Japanese-y. Some sticks of bamboo in the entrance way (welcome to the Orient! We are Siamese, if you please!), dark wood and mirrors, and the whole trope of the place: little booths individually curtained off with bamboo shades.

Basically, it looked like this:



Anyhoo, the decision was made to order two omakeses and some a la carte dishes. And, it was terrible (the food, not the decision). But one of those terribles that slowly encroaches upon your consciousness, as you withhold your judgment from course to course, thinking, "that wasn't that bad--surely it'll get better," but then it doesn't.


Miso soup, cabbage, daikon. Whatevs.


Maguro Carpaccio (tuna sashimi)--green yuzu pepper sauce. Thanks for the micro-chives. Makes a girl go from ashy to classy.


Simmered duck, soft egg, baby greens, sweet duck dressing. This one was a'ight. Mostly spinach greens, au jus (had to ax my friend--"What's that word that sounds like 'jew' or 'jiu' for sauce?"), and a soft egg on the side to be stirred and mixed in.


Cold tofu, bonito flakes, green onions, ginger (I fink?), and some kind of dashi.


Chilled plate: scallops and daikon in sesame sake-malt sauce (foreground); hamachi sashimi; mess o' shrooms (top left); squid (top right).

The scallop, dear reader, it tasted...fishy. A thing that was in a shell that was in a plastic bin that bumped around city streets and began to marinate in that quiet desperation of city life, and hate itself.

I had been waiting for a flavor to come kick me in the teeth or make fireworks in my mouf or wrap me in a bear-skin rug.

And it's after the bite of scallop that I realized the true destiny of our dinner, and I wanted to be all Edith Piaf-y and singing in a smokey room in my attenuated voice that everyone would find so charming, except my song would be "Oui, Je Regrette Tout."

Next!


Mess o' skrimps and edamame and tomato (top right).


"Meaty oysters grilled on the shell with red-miso sauce. Salty & sweet." Yes, salty and sweet completely obfuscating the taste of the oyster.


"Oyster, uni sea urchin, shrimp, Japanese mushrooms:
 oven-grilled in béchamel sauce." I think there was uni in here in the sense that they probably said, "haha, there is no uni in here" as they were plating the dish. This also was a'ight--mostly in the sense that it reveled in its mediocrity and was just like, seafood + butter = yum. I'd eat this shit again. If it were free.


"Zenkichi Salad
: homemade tofu, baby greens, sesame dressing." [stone cold stare] Zenkichi Salad, I'm mad-doggin' you.


Shirako & Shungiku Tempura: 
creamy cod milt & green chrysanthemum leaves (Kakiage-style, which just means chopped up and fried like fritters--yeah, Professor Google). I dunno where the milt is. But I went to the bathroom and got lost coming back, so maybe my dining companions et it all. The fuckers. (Edit: axed the bitches about the cod milt and they said they did not notice any creamy, white shit. Lies, all lies.)


Saikyo Miso Cod: 
grilled black cod in Kyoto miso marinade. I don't know why that piece closer to the camera is spinning like that. It makes me dizzy. Stop looking at it, edb. We dug into it before I had a chance to iPhotograph it (we're buzzed and we just want to eat something delicious and we were hoping this would be it)--iPhresh-ish and essentially iPhlavorless.


Salmon simmered in a clear broth with some kind of peppercorn (?) and 4 slices of snow peas. At this point, we are just shrugging at each other defeatedly. I'm looking at Laura and experiencing a case of I Tol' You Sos--hearkening back to her exact words: "4 stars out of 355 reviews! how is that not good?"

[Laura, I am retroactively mad-doggin' you.]


"Berkshire Pork Belly Donburi: pork belly sauteed with ginger soy sauce, served over rice." Joey and I ate most of this, because 1) he's a dude and 2) I have a hard time leaving food on the table, even if if it I'm full and even if it's just a'ight.

And the two orders of dessert:


Frozen Black Sesame Mousse--basically, black sesame ice cream. What did Mammy say? You ain't nothin' but a mule tricked out in a horse harness? I see you, "mousse."


Mineoka Tofu: milk tofu made with heavy cream and kudzu starch, strawberries, and some triflin' azuki red beans. A not very good blancmange. Here, I quit while I was ahead (behind?), because I didn't want to ingest any more not-very-delicious-calories.

You know, I can do simple. I don't need everything to be fried or drowning in butter. But if it's simple, if we're going for ascetic, which I think they are--sometimes--I want the ingredients to speak for themselves, to be so fresh they make you wanna slap somebody, to come together in clear, ringing tones. And they didn't. Two words:

Hot. Mess.

All hope abandon ye who enter here. Zenkichi, you have brought shame on omakase.

Zenkichi,

Motherfuckin' Peking (really Cantonese, I think) Duck Bao

Y'all, there's this place in Flushing, somewhere on Main Street, a little open window with a woman standing in a 3x3 foot space, and you can watch her as she (very fucking slowly 'cause she don't give a fuck) assembles delicious bits of roast duck skin and that dark, gamey meat and slivers of green onion and cucumber and Hoisin sauce on a glorious white cushion of a steamed bao.

And you can eats it for one dolla only.



That somewhere is here.

Except, it's not a sandwich, Yelp assholes. Fucking hak gwai, gwai lo, gai-jin, haole, bule, a-tok-a FUCKS.

I heart whitey.

That shit is delicious.

You know how some people have that sexy chocolate fantasy--I'm whatevs 'bout the chocolate. Holla at me when you gots a bottle of Hoisin.

White Melon? How about a punch in the crotch?

After dinner yesterday, Levitt and I (at Laura's suggestion) moseyed on over to the "New World Mall" on Flushing's 40th Road and Main Street, site of the defunct Caldor's.

It is very neon on the outside. And totally awesome on the inside. At the basement level is a food court of earthly delights, a pleasure-dome of Asian pabulum running the gamut: Thai food, Hong Kong style dessert, Taiwanese street food, hot pot, Japanese takoyaki, and whole, live lobster with your choice of sauce, rice, and a veg for $12.99.

The place is a Christmas miracle, and I text Laura, "This is the coolest place ever."

To which she responds, "You're so white." What the feezy, neezy?

Levitt wanted the bubble tea, so we end up queuing at Kung Fu Tea, where one of the offerings is "White Melon Tea." I forget to ax the cashier girl what it is before I place my order (passion fruit green tea), but then do so when she's handing us our drinks.



"What's white melon?" I ask, politely.

She sneers back at me, "You don't know what white melon is?"

Um, no, because then I wouldn't have to ask you? Do you know what a punch in the crotch is? Or should I drag you over the counter by your ears?

Then she says it in Chinese, "dong1 gua1."

Oh, you mean, winter fucking melon, you fucking cunt.

I want that. Damn this passion fruit.

I'll be back.

Down the Rabbit-Hole, Nan Xiang (Flushing)

I went to Nan Xiang today with Levitt because 1) I love me some scallion pancakes with beef and xiao3long2bao1, and 2) cuz the dude who runs Baohaus ranked it among his fave food places (#4) and he is a) highlarious (except when he's pissed, at which point he is more righteous) and b) runs Baohaus, which is the best idea in the world.

What a letdown. When we got there I realized I'd been there before, but I just didn't put two and two together due to the fact that I'm a poor excuse for an Asian and therefore, 1) am bad at math and 2) can't remember Chinese names.

I mean, it was a'iiight. Serviceable. Even good in the context of living in California which, despite all the Chinese, has, IMO, shit Chinese food.

I ordered the warm soy milk (sweet), the cruller, the scallion pancake with beef, and the crab and pork xiaolongbao. Oh, yeah, and the cold cucumbers because Levitt is (was) on a fruit and vegetable cleanse. (Sorry, dude.)

The cucumbers were pretty got-damn good--sesame oil and salt and garlic and cilantro. But you know, they're a vegetable (fruit??), so how good can they be? Don't get me wrong, I love me some vegetables, and I just googled Intermezzo again yesterday because I need to know if I can get a Giant Fucking Salad again, but veg just doesn't give me the same mouth-fireworks that a good protein or carb or protein-carb combination can.



Anyway, this here protein-carb combination (scallion pancake, braised beef) was just not the business. Not enough tendon/gristle tenderness, and on the pancake, no glistening spots of oil, no balance of burnt brown spots and less-cooked, slightly translucent areas, and NOT ENOUGH Q (Chinese for al dente)--no pull, no resistance to the teeth.

It was bullshit.

I mean, I'd eat that shit again, but it was bullshit nevertheless.

And don't even get me started on the cruller.



Well, actually, let me get started on this thing: what the fuck, y'all? Did you bake the goddamn thing? Are we at Weight Watchers? Where is the deep-fried goodness? Where have all the cowboys gone?

And the crab and pork xiaolongbao. No pic. I think maybe they were not as good because I tried to be all fancy. Prolly shoulda gotten the pork ones. I dunno.